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Seno Ocasion, Peninsula Brecknock

We take Mardek right to the snout of another glacier, there are glaciers everywhere in this particular part of the channels.

We work our way very carefully trough many small icebergs, making sure we only touch the smaller ones and at a near stand still speed. It takes us a long while to reach the spectacular sight of 3 glaciers ending their trip in the same waters, right in front of our eyes. Hakan takes the dinghy, climbs on top of a little iceberg and poses for posterity arms extended to the sky.
We are nearly overwhelmed by the sights, it is quite cold, it smells of ice. After lunch, when the sun comes trough the grey sky I notice a bigger berg, blue, floating not far away. I recognize straight away that it is the one waiting for me to jump on. Instantly I'm in the dinghy, rowing towards my berg, blue and turquoise, big enough not for me to be too afraid it would topple over under my weight, the water has only 5 degrees and I am very heavily dressed so that if I fall in, I will have very little chance to pull myself back into the dinghy. I row my boat in the icy water, chose the side of the berg to land on and very cautiously get on the blue floating thing. I climb it a bit, walk on it like I would on eggs. It seems the ice is lit from within, it is so light, such strange ground to walk on I have trouble distinguishing the surface, I'm a little afraid and dare not move too much, I pick up a lose piece of ice and go back in my well known plastic boat, feeling much reassured in a known surrounding I row closer to the main glacier, I intend to get really as close to it as my guts will permit, I row row row, then all of a sudden a huge piece of ice brakes free from the other glacier, it makes such a loud thundering noise that the echo sounds like the firing of a hunting gun. I am pretty close to the glacier by now, I feel the vibration of the thunder go through me which loads me with fear. I hope this will not create a big piece of ice to go from the one I am very close to now. Away, with all my strength I row, away from the ice, my heart racing. I hear Hakan scream at me to come back and my fear grows even stronger... I row like the lightening and when I get close to Mardek, all quiets down gently. No piece of ice broke off, my guts didn't allow me to get as close as I wished to, or wouldn't it rather be the glacier that ordered my moves?

We're anchored and tied securely close to a small waterfall, my night is heavy, over and over again I dream about being abandoned or rejected by the one I love. Night after night the same heaviness, the same deep sadness fills me and lingers in the morning. I must get rid of this reoccurring dream that pesters my general mood. This morning my throat is tight my heart is sad. Hakan and I talk about it, I know that the dream will stay until I have found what message it carries. We take a hard and complicated walk up the mountain next to the boat. The climb is tough. The closer we get to the top the further it seems to be, I feel we're not getting anywhere, I don't want to go any further, no need to be at the top at any cost, don't have the least bit of the alpinist soul. I decide to stay there and wait for Hakan who wants his summit. It has started raining, I eat and drink the refreshments I brought with me, I hear the raindrops on the hood of my red coat. I become cold, I become frustrated, ready to burst open. I scream to Hakan to locate him, no answer, I scream louder, no reply. I become restless, nervous, I look around and realize the surface is so irregular I can only see up to around 30 meters in every direction. I start crying, I picture myself being abandoned, lost in these hills, I let my imagination create the worst scenario, I let go of everything and burst into tears held in for years, decades. Pain and loss pours out of me. I can let go because I know I am not really abandoned, Hakan will come back in a little while and I will be liberated from all the pain I manage to exhale here in the lonely mountains. I cry and scream, I beg for Hakan to hear me, but no, he's out of reach, I stumble up and down the mountain for a bit. Inside an earthquake of emotion and feeling breaks towards the surface. I'm on the rollercoaster of my past, riding backwards and curing my wounds. I'm being 30 and abandoned then 18 and rejected, 13 torn apart then 5 irremediably lost in a supermarket. In the back of my head I know I'm not in any kind of trouble, but on the surface the gates of my personal hell has opened and generates such energy and power that with my every cell I scream for Hakan to hear me, to answer me. What comes out of me, from my chest and mouth from my fingers hair knees toes, screaming out all they've got is indescribable, and I must giggle a bit at the sound of me echoing against the many mountains surrounding me. Hakan whistles back, this sound, though far away hits me straight in the heart, I quickly calm down, exhausted. After a few minutes the sight of him, very small very far off fills me with warmth, I'm quite weak but I dare to think that I will not dream this nasty dream again. I cry a little more in Hakan's arms. 612 meters he's gone up, I've gone the same distance in...We both happy and go down again, trough the trees this time, and get back on board.
I go to bed, wake up happy in the middle of the night, happy, very light, I've escaped the dream, I can feel it is far behind.
On my mountain patch, top quality catharsis.
The power of ferocious mountains and gigantic glaciers shake me, and it is gratefully that I use this to cleanse my soul.

28.01.2006

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